Dear father Letter

Posted by: Jim - 09/28/2008

Thank you for what you are doing. My father abandoned me...I finally forgave him..it took 40 years..here is my letter.

Dear father,

I write this letter with sincere trepidation, but relieved sorrow. I have been living with the deepest of pain, anger and disappointment over your abandonment of my sister and me – I was just born and your daughter was three years old. I will be forty this October.

I write this letter to wash clean my wound that I did not know how to heal until now. I want you to know that I entered this life and grew up without a father to hold me, protect me, guide me into manhood or to sacrifice for me. Instead, you gave your son up for some other convenient life. Your love and time went to others for which you eventually gave up as well. Therefore, so you understand completely, you abandoned your daughter and me for something that you eventually threw away. Again, you abandoned your daughter and me for something you threw away. Those are powerful actions with a profound meaning to living souls. Deep wounds that you created that I am now able to heal. However, I now realize I will never have that opportunity with you, time has gone by. This is painful to write, but so necessary. As I unburden and heal my soul, I do want you to know where I am coming from and the purpose of this letter. I want you to know, that what you did was terribly wrong, it mattered greatly in my life, and that I have come to forgive you.

As I hold my son and daughters, I could not even imagine turning them over to the world without me there. I did not understand fully why this deep wound and hurt would not heal. My anger has grown inside me as I see me in my son. The scabs have finally been torn off for the last time. As I catch my children in my arms as I arrive home from work, as I read to my children, comfort them during periods of pain, experience their daily achievements, participate in their memories, and to honestly, completely be there for them as a father is called to do, I understand where my anger and hurt is coming from. I have said I love you all my life as something I was supposed to do, out of respect. It was not a love I now know should have existed. I bristle every time you say I acted a certain way as a baby when referring to my son. You were not there. You would not know. I do not have childhood memories, pictres, stories or traditions to share about my father with my children. But rather, I have confusion and questions I can not answer to myself or my family. Not once have you ever explained, shown remorse, regret, or discussed your actions. We, I have done all of the sacrificing for you and on your behalf.

I thank my Lord and Savoir for the angels he sent to watch over me. They have always been there and I give thanks every night. I thank my mom for being such a strong person and caring mother. My love for her could not be any stronger. She gave unconditionally and sacrificed totally of herself for her children. I saw her joy and love for us through all her unselfish pain and loneliness as she made decisions out of necessity. I saw my big sister starve for love for a father that was not there for her. Her search took her in painful directions. I am so proud of her for being so strong and becoming such a caring and loving person.

I love my memories of my Uncle. He was the man of my life growing up. I learned from him as I grew up in search of what it meant to be a man. I learned to be fun from him. He took the time to be our Santa Claus. I felt the joy of throwing a baseball as high as I could to him and felt the thrill of catching the baseball that touched the stars from him. He gave me confidence and I will forever be grateful to him. Where were you? Devoting all your time and energy to others and not your children – only to lose it all. I do not understand.

Your efforts toward me as I was older have been noticed, but I have been unable to fully accept or appreciate them. I now know why. There is no foundation to build on. I would, however, like to share with you a moment I cherish deeply. A son needs to know his name - who he is in this world. Upon me entering high school, you made it clear to me you wanted me to use my birth name. You gave me the courage to fight for that name and I got it changed my freshman year. I remember saying to myself, I now, at least, know my name – I know who I am. As symbolic as it may sound, it meant everything to me at that time. And, it still does.

I cry as I write this, tears of yesterday’s pain and tears of wounds healed. I have a selfish prayer. I pray for your soul that you may find our Lord, Jesus so that we will not be separated again upon departure from this earth. Father and son are meant to be together. It is a gift from God that should not be thrown away.

Thank you for reading this and I truly hope you understand my purpose. It is my prayer that in the time remaining, we can have a relationship that deepens.

Your Son, the boy you walked out on.

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09/09/2010

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